Tiger Woods’ Real Apology (Video)

I don't know if you heard, but today golfer and pornstar f**ker extraordinaire Tiger Woods held a press conference to apologize for his philandering way and considering the hype around Tiger's apology, I though it was only right that we refined the man's words a little bit. Just like I did for Mark McGwire, here's what Tiger would have said if he was really being honest.


(For those who want to start off with the real thing. Sorry, blame ESPN for the ad.)


Tiger's Take: "Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me."

The RefinedTake: "Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me. And, of course, I want to especially apologize to the three smoking hot chicks in this room were actually part of that crazy orgy we had in a Chili's bathroom. While at the time it seemed like a good idea to use those onion rings as a cock ring, I now understand how terribly wrong I was. Kristen, Kristine, Kristy, I am truly sorry.'

Tiger's Take: People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

The RefinedTake: People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say...fuck y'all. Do you have any idea how much money I have? I'm nearly a billionaire. That's right, with a motherfucking "b." Billionaire. For a while I considered just buying an island somewhere and disappearing, but if there's one thing I love more than banging loose white women, it's fame and adulation, so I figured I'd just say this bullshit apology and we could all get back to loving me. Deal?

Tiger's Take: "Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us..."

The RefinedTake:"...and when I say she 'pointed out to me', I mean she ironically attacked me with a golf club, and when I say we 'have a lot to discuss,' I mean she's not speaking to me anymore and is currently trying to obtain child support payments of $10 million a month. So, yeah, things aren't going well on the marriage front."

Tiger's Take: "I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be."

The RefinedTake: "I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be. Naw, I'm just fucking with you. I'll be coming back for the Masters. Can you imagine the ratings!? It's gonna be bananas, and if I win the Masters all of this starts to get pushed into the background. See everyone on April 6!"

Tiger's Take: "I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself."

The RefinedTake: Actually, those are some of the most honest words we've ever heard in a mega-celebrity apology. The truth? Imagine that.