Breaking Down MTV’s “Hottest MCs” List

It's fall and you know what that means: the leaves are turning, the weather's getting chilly and MTV has put out another borderline retarded "Best rappers alive" list. Or in this specific case, the "10 Hottest MCs in the Game", cause, you know, it sounds cooler. Anyway, the real problem with this list, and the problem with nearly every list like it, is that there's no clear definition of the criteria. Are we talking about their pure rhyme ability? How do album/download sales factor in? Does embarrassing yourself on national television (Kanye) make you "hotter" cause everyone's talking about you, or less hot because the president of the United States called you a "jackass"? Even in sports, where there are clear statistics, these "best" lists are endlessly debated, so in the ultimately subjective field of hip-hop it's always a giant clusterf**k.

MTV didn't help matters any by declaring that their criteria is "based on a combination of rhyme skill, flow, musical implementation, buzz, impact, commercial success, sales, airplay, business ventures, Web presence, endorsements and helping to spawn other artists' careers -- and the intangible, impact." So basically, whatever they decide. Awesome, thanks for narrowing it down guys. Still, given their foundation is shakier than Rick Ross falling into some stairs, MTV did a half-decent job, managing to at least get the basics right: Jay-Z at the top, Lil Wayne just behind. Here's my complete breakdown of the list. Enjoy:

10. Raekwon
Can't get mad at this one. His "Only Built for Cuban Linx 2" might just be the best hip-hop album of the year from a purely artistic standpoint, but here's where it gets complicated. In terms of financial impact. Raekwon is clearly at the bottom of this list. But needless to say, Raekwon vs. Gucci Mane would be a whooping of Mike Tyson vs. Peter McNeely proportions, I can only assume that MTV has heavily weighted bank account status in their equations.

9. 50 Cent
50 took one look at this list, saw that he was below Rick Ross by four slots, and immediately set out to track down Ross' mom and have sex with her on tape. The fact that he's even on this list at all is a testament to the media empire he's built, a media empire that keeps him as one of the most powerful men in the game even though he hasn't put out a meaningful album since 2005's "The Massacre." At this point he's the Britney Spears of hip-hop; he's famous for a lot of things, but very few of them really involve music (and yes, I'm now afraid for my life.)

8. Fabolous
Loso's last album "Loso's Way" didn't do particularly well - then again no albums are doing particularly well. I can only assume his #8 slot is due mostly to his work as one of the best guest feature artist working right now (the man's punchlines are sick). In other words, Loso's like the long snapper on a football team: he's not a superstar, but he has a very particular skill that will keep him employed for as long as he's breathing.

7. Young Jeezy
Given MTV's emphasis on "hotness" this one is one of the strangest placings on the list. While Jeezy's certainly one of the game's most important rappers, he's spent most of the year working on new projects - he didn't drop an album in 2009, and has only appeared on a handful of other tracks. I'm not saying the Snowman has melted, I'm just saying 2009 wasn't a particularly frosty year (I'm sorry, those were some horrible puns).

6. Gucci Mane
Gucci! Easily the most controversial pic of the year, and the most personally confusing. In recent months you suddenly can't turn around without hitting a Gucci Mane feature, and I'll be honest, I don't get it. For example, Mario could have had any rapper on the planet spit a verse for "Break Up" and he went with Gucci? Really? Really? I haven't been this confused since the end of Donnie Darko.

5. Rick Ross
Officer down! The occasional fall off a stage might be hilarious, but all kidding aside Ricky Ross has been doing it extra large. His rhyme skills have been steadily improving, and he's been emerged as Miami's hip-hop godfather, taking a crew of up-and-coming artists under his wing. Also, he's so big he makes Oprah look like Nicole Ritchie. (God I just can't help myself with the fat jokes.)

4.Kanye West
In terms of pure publicity, Kanye would have to be at the top of the list. Whether he's an idiot who wanders into the spotlight or a secret marketing genius (probably a bit of both), his name gets spoken more often than anyone on this list. Also, I don't want to feed his giant ego, but the man is one of the top rappers and producers in the game, a combo no one else can even come close to. Would I have put him ahead of Drake (see below)? Yes, but the number four slot's reasonably accurate.

3. Drake
Drake's definitely a reach here at number three. When you factor in the teenage heartthrob appeal there's not another rapper alive who's more popular, but longevity is a concern. I get the feeling that Drake will be around for a while, but let's not forget, the man hasn't even put out an album yet. If he hadn't shown that he at the very least deserves to stand on the same stage with some premier rappers on "Forever" I'd be angry about the pick, but it's hard to hate on this one too much.

2. Lil Wayne
Though he seems to have slowed down from his epic "I'm guesting on literally every track released this year" pace in 2008, Weezy continues to be the most fascinating man in hip-hop. I'm wary about how this whole transition to rock thing will turn out, and early indications are not good, but you have to give it to the man for trying. Plus, his "height to amount of women who want to f**k him" ratio is off the charts. That's got to count for something.

1. Jay-Z
Let's review. Most commercially successful artist? Check. One of, if not the, best rapper alive. Check. Millionaire businessman? Check. Married to one of the most beautiful and talented women on the planet? Check. Not since Lebron posted up Brian Scalabrine in last year's NBA playoffs has one man obviously been so much better than everyone else. Hova is hip-hop's president. End of story.

Biggest Mistake:

The most obvious rapper missing from this list is Eminem, and the more I think about it, the more ridiculous his absence is. First, whether or not he's the best rapper alive, he's got to be top three, and certainly top five. Second, although Relapse didn't exactly crush the charts - mostly because it was primarily about killing people, kidnapping and drugs - he did put out what has to be a successful album, and unlike past years has steadily been in the media spotlight (shockingly, in an almost entirely positive light). So Gucci Mane and Fabolous are top 10 but Slim Shady isn't? Seriously MTV? You go to hell and you stay there.

Update: Just realized I left out Ludacris. Huge mistake on my part, and MTV's. Half the rappers on this list would be terrified to battle Luda, and more than half don't have the sales, hype or financials of the man. How do you leave Luda of this list? That's recockulous.