- J. Cole’s Puts “Born Sinner” vs. Kanye West’s “Yeezus”: Stupid, or Stupid Like a Fox?
- Fails: Nicki Minaj Takes The Lap Dance To New Levels Of Awkwardness (Video)
- Internet Memes Gone Wrong: The Drake & Miguel Drop Kick Edition (Pics)
- Sweet Baby “Yeezus” Kanye Killed These SNL “Black Skinhead” & “New Slave” Performances
- Chief Keef Makes Less Money Than Your Average Orthodontist
This Is My Rifle: Obamney for President in 2012!Posted by Jason James on 05/23/12 | Filed under Features, Opinion, This Is My Rifle, Politics
Alright, folks. So once again we’re entering that magical period that occurs once every 4 years where two corporate shills lock horns in a battle to the death for the highest office in the land; President of the United States of America.
This year we’ll see Mitt Romney (Republican) take on the current POTUS, and former golden child, Barack Obama (Democrat). Romney, a veteran conservative, Mormon and all around banker bitch, is looking to upset Obama’s bid for re-election and usher in a new era of…. Well, pretty much the exact same thing Barack Obama’s planning on doing. And since both of these candidates (like nearly every other presidential candidate before them) have a hard time telling the truth, I’ve decided to sit down and write a speech that they can use at virtually every stop on the campaign trail. But rather than the usual empty promises and political pandering that both of these candidates will undoubtedly engage in, I am here to provide an alternative. Today, I am writing the first ever honest campaign speech. And because both Romney and Obama work for the same interests, and minus a few minor differences are generally the same person, this speech will work for either candidate. If, by chance, the Romney or Obama camps would like to adopt this speech and add it to their campaigns then please, by all means use it. I’m not looking for any compensation whatsoever. You don’t even have to give me any writing credit. Just load it up on the teleprompter, read it word for word and watch as your campaign rolls right over any and all competitors.
Sound good? Great. Now let’s get started….
Hello (insert town/city/county name here)!
It’s great to be here with you all today. I don’t usually spend much time amongst the lower 99% of this country so this is definitely an out of the ordinary experience for me. I spend most of my time prostituting myself out to the wealthiest members of society and I lack the ability to truly relate to any of you, but I do know what your concerns are and I am here today to address them.
First off, I know a lot of you are bothered by the current state of our economy. As the years have gone by since the dawn of this century, things have only gotten perpetually worse for yourselves and your families. And while we have had a few small surges in the market, whatever positive effects we saw as a result of these brief spikes in prosperity were immediately overshadowed by severe corruption and looting in our financial sector. Well, let me tell you, it’s not going to get any better. Since the Federal Reserve Act was passed in 1913, the banks have been in total control of this country and we are now in a nation by and for the money powers.
What does this mean for you? As of right now, the banks are adamant about manufacturing a complete collapse of the United States and so a lot of you will lose your jobs when the companies you work for move overseas. You will probably also lose your homes and some of you may even starve to death. Trust me, I work for these guys and they are serious about this. They want to end our sovereignty and centralize everything through a global government, which they will also control. Now, they know that a lot of you won’t approve of this so those of you who oppose this plan will need to be eliminated or weakened to such a degree that you will do almost anything to end the agony of extreme poverty.
For those of you that do go along with the plan, you won’t have it much easier. We will be surveilling you on the Internet and watching you through video cameras in streetlights on every corner in every city in America. We will be able to listen to you and also shout commands at you through loud speakers on these streetlights as well. For areas where there are no streetlights, we will be launching drones that will patrol the city and act as a secondary unit to military, federal and local police forces. These drones come in a multitude of sizes, from giant jetliners down to tiny robotic “bees” slightly smaller than a penny. The larger drones will be equipped with “non-lethal” weapons, and the smaller surveillance “bees” will be able to slip into your home through an open window or even through the crack under your front door and will be able to watch you with you having no knowledge of them ever being there.
Obviously some of you will have a change of heart and try to fight back against this. The bankers know this and so for the past few decades your government has been building FEMA re-education camps and they have been training our military to arrest and detain “problem” citizens. We, in the Senate and Congress, have passed a myriad of bills to ensure that this will all be permissible under American law.
I myself, I don’t really have any power to enforce or change this agenda. Like you, I am at the whim of the bankers. The only difference is that I had the privilege of being recruited by them and I made the choice to be a part of this system. I was hand picked by them to be an insider and I am merely a face for a shadow government. The oil companies, Military Industrial-Complex and every major multi-national corporation adhere to these men and we have pledged to represent their interests. If I were to defect and reveal their scheme for global enslavement, both myself and my family would be targeted for assassination. Just look at what happened to JFK and Princess Diana. They attempted to reverse the potential damage caused by this secret group and they both died because of it. So even if I wanted to actually implement the policies I pretend to be passionate about, I would never live to see it through.
I know a lot of you out there want to see an end to all of these wars we’re involved in, but it’s not gonna happen. In fact, we will start more wars in the coming years and we’re even going to try and push China into a “hot” war with us. The reason for this being is because war not only creates exponential wealth for the small group of people behind it all, it’s also a magnificent tool to reduce the global population. There are only so many re-education camps and prisons we can build so we need a lot of you to die. I know this seems counter-productive but let’s face it- 3 some odd billion people can be tough to control. We would like to get that number down to just a few million and so we’ll need more terrorist attacks, more religious fervor and even more media manipulation. We are aware that a large portion of our military won’t go for it, but that’s why we have the drones. Once we whittle the population down to a manageable community of slaves, we’ll strip you of whatever valuable goods you have left through ridiculous scams like income and carbon taxes.
So when you go cast your votes this November, just remember that it doesn’t matter which one of us you vote for. You do not live in a democracy; you are a serf in a fascist state. This whole political process is merely theater; a dog and pony show to make you believe that you are the collective voice of this country. But all of this has been pre-determined and both me and my opponent are just decoys put here to distract your attention away from the real powers that be.
Thank you (insert town/city/county name here) and God Bless the United Nations!
(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)