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Sex, Relationships & F**king: The Long Distance Relationship Edition (Bonus Podcast)

Posted by Nathan S. on 03/05/13 | Filed under Girls, Opinion, Podcasts, Sex & Relationships
Rosa Acosta
(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

Everyone wants more fucking, and I'm going to give you more fucking. Well..I wont give you it, but I will write about it, which is just as good, except not at all. You're welcome.

By now you should already know the deal. Guys, there's no bigger threat to your dealings with the opposite gender than the advice columns of women's magazines (Glamour, Cosmo, etc.). After all, no good can possibly come from a woman asking another woman what a man really thinks.

So to set the record straight I started "Sex, Relationships & Fucking", where I hijack questions from women's mags and answer them from the perspective of an actual guy. This week, I delve into one of the most common questions I've seen; how to survive a long distance relationship.

"My boyfriend is going away this summer for graduate school. While I am very proud of him for living up to his full potential and working hard toward a master's degree, I am having a difficult time coming to terms with the situation. Like many girls I feel I am over analyzing the situation, but I am not sure if my fears are rational or irrational. For instance, I am afraid when he leaves he won't miss me or worse will decide he does not want to be with me. I love him very much, but what should I do to ensure our relationship survives this obstacle?"

First and foremost, your fears are entirely rational. Frankly, there's a pretty good chance that your boyfriend's penis will be in a stranger's mouth before he even unpacks in his new spot. PANIC RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

In all seriousness, long distance relationships are inherently risky propositions. There's really no way to live hundreds, or thousands, of miles away from your significant other without at least hitting some rough patches. But first it's important to figure out what kind of long distance relationship you're in. There are three kinds:

Temporary: Other person is leaving for a set amount of time, is planning on returning.

Permanent/Potentially Permanent: Other person has moved to another city for the foreseeable future.

"Real World": Is your boyfriend or girlfriend leaving to go on "The Real World"? You've already broken up. Also, you probably want to get tested for STDs.

The harsh truth is that a Permanent/Semi-Permanent relationship almost never works out. Even if the other person doesn't do something dramatic like cheat, eventually the distance will just wear you down. There will inevitably come a day when you come up to an empty apartment, eat leftover pizza, NOT have sex and realize, "My life is every shitty thing about being single without even being able to desperately hope for one night stands."

It won't happen overnight, but eventually you and your distant partner will have to have "the talk", you'll break up and deep down inside wish you hadn't just spent two years of your life trying to masturbate to a blurry image of your girlfriend's vagina over Skype. (Or your boyfriend's wang, depending on your specific situation).

But it sounds like your case is more of a Temporary long distance relationship. Good news, that's not the same agonizing slow death sentence of a Permanent relationship. In fact, over the long term it can actually strengthen your relationship. Ideally your man will come home one day, eat leftover pizza, NOT have sex and realize, "Jesus, my life was so much better when I lived with my girlfriend. I can't wait until I move back in three weeks."

So don't go overboard with the texts/emails/Skype dates. Once a day, tops, is enough. But obviously do make sure you're staying connected, and flying out to see him (possibly multiple times) will help enormously. You want as many of his friends/acquaintances in his new locale to have met you as possible - they'll subtly pressure him to stay loyal, and subconsciously make you a part of his life even when you're not there.

There's no clear answers here, and the line between Temporary an Permanent can get blurry, but ultimately you can absolutely make it through a long-distance relationship. Just make sure there's a potential non-long distance relationship light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh, and invest in a quality webcam. It will help. Trust me. You're welcome.

Bonus: Because I love you, you're also getting a bonus "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" podcast. The homie Mike McNulty joins me to talk about hot tub hooks ups, lesbians going straight and much more...

RefinedHype has merged with The DJBooth. It's the same articles you loved on RefinedHype, new address. For more info, check out the official announcement.

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