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Sex, Relationships & F**king: Can You Have Sex For Too Long?Posted by Nathan S. on 02/07/13 | Filed under Girls, Humor, Podcasts, Sex & Relationships
(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)
You asked for more fucking, you get more fucking (and sex...and possibly even relationships).
By now you should already know the deal. Guys, there's no bigger threat to your dealings with the opposite gender than the advice columns of women's magazines (Glamour, Cosmo, etc.). After all, no good can possibly come from a woman asking another woman what a man really thinks.
So to set the record straight I started "Sex, Relationships & Fucking", where I hijack questions from women's mags and answer them from the perspective of an actual guy. This week, I tackle one of the trickier questions I've come across yet; just how long is too long when it comes to fucking?
I love a guy who wants to make sure that I am, shall we say, taken care of, but my new guy can seriously go for hours. I'm sorry, but my body has limits! We'll be in the middle of things and I'm just so tired and ready to be done, but when I try to say something, he replies, "But I want to go long for you, don't you want me to? And don't worry about me I'll finish eventually." EVENTUALLY?! I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him think that I'm bored (trust me that's not it) but I've been avoiding sex now because I can't go for these marathon sessions. I mean I don't want a 40 yard dash, but I would really love something more like a 5K.
Man, this is a tough one, which is exactly why I wanted to answer it. Sweet baby jesus, where do I even start?
Ok, I think first and foremost I need to make it clear that your man is balls crazy. It's one thing to want more than a quickie, it's another thing to want to make it last, but "hours". HOURS?!? As in multiple increments of time equal to 60 minutes? That alone is pretty pistachios, but he only wants to do it for hours? Now I can't even fathom what's going on here.
Forget the mechanisms of the sex itself for a moment, how can you possibly live a normal life if every time you throw down it's a three hour affair? When would you ever go grocery shopping? Do laundry? Shit, watch a movie, have sex and boom, there's a solid half of your waking day just gone right there. I don't see how anyone could live like this without their place ending up looking like a crack den covered in empty water bottles and dirty clothes.
Speaking of which, as I think this through, I'm a little concerned for your health. I hope you're hydrating properly throughout this ordeal; you probably want to have some Clif bars on deck or something to help you push through that fourth consecutive hour of reverse cowgirl. If you've been having sex with this guy for even a month, I find it hard to believe you're not at least battling a sprained ankle.
But beyond all that, the sex just can't be that good. You say "I don't want to...make him think that I'm bored (trust me that's not it)", but I don't trust you at all. If this man was rocking your world for three hours straight, you wouldn't have any problem. But no one, I repeat, NO ONE, could possibly keep someone's sexual attention for that long. Either y'all end up switching positions 147 times, or he's fucking you in one position for like 30 minutes a clip - that's absurd. Come on, you're really enjoying yourself that entire time? Really? Really though?
I can only guess that his insanity comes from a good place, he wants to make sure he calls before he comes, but he's taken things to the extreme. Or he can't get off in under a few hours, in which case he's either got some sexual dysfunction, or you're so terrible in bed he needs hours. Maybe a combo platter.
Either way, you need to get out of this relationship immediately before his dick snaps off from overuse, your vagina goes through years of work in a matter of weeks, or you both die of exhaustion. I frankly don't have any idea what's going on in his head, or his pants, but it's serious and you need to get your Usain Bolt on immediately.
As an added bonus, I've included a first shot at a "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" podcast with the homie Mike McNulty. Let me know if y'all want more, or if we should keep this column to the written word.