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Sex, Relationships & F**king, A Honest Advice Column: The Virgin x 3Some x Bodily Fluids Edition

Posted by Nathan S. on 12/12/12 | Filed under Top Stories, Girls, Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships
Rosa Acosta
(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

By now you should know the deal. There's no worse source for women to get sex advice from than women's magazines, but unfortunately that's exactly where most of the ladies out there turn with their sex questions.

Since RefinedHype is dedicated to telling it like it really is, I started this "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, aimed at injecting some actual truth into the world of sex, relationships and fucking.

For this week's selection, I hijacked Glamour's "Reader's Dilemna" section, which was in some serious need of a hijacking. For this edition I tackle losing your virginity, dealing with bodily fluids and the dangers of threesomes.



"I am a 20-year-old virgin. Being a virgin always makes me worry about meeting a guy since I would be terrified to bring it up. Would it be possible to have sex without him knowing you are a virgin?"

Listen, I know you want your first time to be special and memorable and filled with candlelight and flowers and Sade playing in the background and a man you love gazing deep into your eyes as his penis breaks your hymen for the first time and all the other shit you saw on that "Dawson's Creek" episode when you were 13, but here's the truth: losing your virginity doesn't really matter. Or, more accurately, how you lose your virginity doesn't really matter.

I know if feels like this enormous moment of your life, and in many ways it is, but trust me, in ten years you'll barely remember losing your virginity. Sure, you'll remember the general outline - who it was with, where - but the details will be a blur.

Remember the first time you drove a car? What a huge, landmark moment that felt like? And now you can't remember much about that day besides the car you were driving (maybe) and who was in the car with you. As much as I'd like to tell you otherwise, in the long run losing your virginity will end up being a lot like the first time you drove a car. Something that was a big deal the first time, but will eventually just become part of your ordinary, regular, everyday life.

So here's my advice. It is true that a lot of guys won't fuck virgins. They're (rightfully) worried that you'll take it way too seriously, expect the Sade and eye-gazing and become overly attached after the fact. So find a guy who wants to fuck you (it shouldn't be hard) and don't tell him. Maybe he'll figure out your a virgin after it's too late, maybe he won't, be either way you won't be a virgin anymore.

I know that's not how you always pictured your first time, but it's almost impossible for a woman's first time to actually feel good (unfair but true), almost no one ends up with the first person they have sex with and, again, in ten years you'll barely remember anyway.

The crucial thing is that you'll be able to just concentrate on finding the right guy and having good sex, instead of staying hung up on your virginity. Or you could spend the next two years stressing about it, have it be harder and harder to lose your virginity the older you get, and still not remember your first time when it eventually happens.

Your choice, I'm just trying to save you a couple years of sexless stress. You're welcome.

My boyfriend and I are monogamous and we decided to go without condoms. What NO ONE EVER TOLD ME is that after he finishes, the semen leaks out of me! Ugh, what a mess. How do I make a graceful exit and go clean up without first making a huge mess on the bed/floor on the way to the bathroom?!

NO ONE TOLD YOU SEMEN WOULD LEAK OUT OF YOU?!?! What did you think happened, that it would all be captured by a magic net in your vagina and then disposed of by a crew of tiny elves living in your uterus? Ugh.

Unnecessary capitalization and jokes aside, you just need to accept that sex is an inherently messy business. As a general rule, anything that involves the human body, let alone two human bodies arranging their genitals inside each other, is going to be messy. There's really no "graceful" way to clean up semen (ask that girl who thought she could spit gracefully). You can keep a towel or an old t-shirt handy, or just be cool with changing your sheets, but no matter what, sex = laundry. It's just the way it is.

On the bright side, you now have a good litmus test for your sex life. If you ever find yourself thinking, "I don't want to fuck, I don't want to mess up the sheets", that means you need to be having better sex.

I’m 24 and I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. Recently, he’s been dropping hints that he wants to have a threesome. He says he’s totally in love with me, but that it’s always something he wanted to do at least once in his life. I think it’s something I want to do, too, but I also worry that it might screw up what we have. Should I go ahead and give him his threesome fantasy?

First and foremost, I want to hear more about these hints he's dropping. Is he running plays out of the Nelly playbook? "You know what would be great, having sex with you and your best friend at the same time. What? Ha, no, I'm not serious at all. I'm totally just kiddin like Jason...unless you gon' do it."

I know a lot of guys are going to be mad at me for not just giving you the green light, but I have to be real. It's almost impossible to have a threesome without things at least temporarily getting weird between you and your boyfriend. It may be hot while the actual sex lasts, but afterwards it can be hard not to get emotionally turnt up remembering your man (or girl) fucking someone else in front of you. You really have to be totally and completely confident in your relationship, and yourself, to be cool with something like that.

Similarly, if the third person you bring in is someone you know, and especially if it's a friend, recognize it's going to be weird between y'all afterwards too. Worst case scenario, things get crazy fucking awkward and you can never really get the look of joy on your boyfriend's face while she sucked his dick out of your head. Best case scenario, it's a great experience for everyone and your friend asks for round two....even then some part of you will be thinking, "She wants more? Is she trying to steal my man?" And if you bring in a stranger, well, it's obviously not that easy to just get a random person to join you for a threesome (unless you're paying, which is an option legitimately worth exploring if you're serious).

If a threesome is something that you truly, genuinely, want as well, then by all means, go for it. But if you've got some doubts, it's a hell of a gamble to make with a relationship I'm assuming you're invested in keeping.

That doesn't mean you can't fulfill some of his other (none threesome) fantasies though. No dude's going to complain about a lack of threesomes if you're putting it down in every other way. And if he does, then he's kind of an ungrateful dick.

See Also: Sex, Relationships & F**king: A Honest Advice Column Pt. 3

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