Nathan S. 's avatar

Sex, Love & Relationships: Annoying Girl Things I Secretly Hate About You

Posted by Nathan S. on 01/09/13 | Filed under Top Stories, Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships
Rosa Acosta
(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

There may be no bigger threat to men than women's magazines. Trust me, your girl is not only reading these magazines, she's soaking in all that terrible, terrible advice. That's why I started this "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, to help combat the propaganda being force fed into your lady friend's brain.

I was planning on doing this column in a few weeks, but I saw some shit in Glamour that demanded an immediate response, the "20 Annoying Girl Things He Secretly Loves About You" column. Ladies, let me assure you, as an actual man with actual testicles, we don't secretly love any of this shit.

Let's get into this....

Yep, this is the actual picture Glamour used for their article, which I think tells you everything you need to know. On the plus side, I now have a new dream: that someday I'll randomly recognize the guy in this picture in a Starbucks or something, and I won't even say I word. I'll just give him a look like, "Really? Really though?" And he'll know exactly what the look means, and he'll look down in shame.

Anyway, let's get into the specifics:

Glamour says: "You spend hours getting ready in the bathroom. (Are you secretly sending work emails in there? Are you solving complex math problems? Are you trying to make us late?) And then you emerge, looking stunning."

Here's the thing, your friends might notice the shade of eyeliner you spent an hour putting on, but we don't. You essentially look the exact same as you did before you went into the bathroom, except now you're wearing different pants or an extra necklace or some shit, and the movie we were supposed to see ended yesterday.

When you say you're getting ready, and my first thought is, "Good, I was planning on re-watching season one of 'The Wire' anyway," that's a problem.

Glamour says: "You tell me your ex is an Olympic swimmer. Also, your other ex has seven tattoos, and your college boyfriend owns a social-media start-up and drives a Porsche. Because (ha-ha!) you’re with me now."

That's not "ha ha you're with me now", that's "you had to settle for me after your first, second and third choice didn't work out. Looks like you're stuck with me now."

Let's be clear, unless you have a child with an ex that I need to know about, as far as I'm concerned, you didn't have any boyfriends before me. Bring up your college boyfriend who owns a social-media start-up, and I'll have no choice but to respond by bringing up my college yoga instructor girlfriend who could wrap her legs around her ears. And then you'd respond by mentioning your Olympic swimmer ex, and then I'd respond by mentioning my ex who's now an actress, and then we'd end up fighting and not speaking for two days.

Good times.

Glamour says: "You’re not shy at all about saying what annoys you about me."

Yep, I secretly love when someone constantly tells me why I'm annoying. Can't get enough of it. Please, by all mean, don't be shy. Do I put the toilet paper roll on the opposite way you do? I'd love to hear you explain why your method is superior for hours. I eat more slowly then you'd prefer? By all means, just keep it coming.

Glamour says: "You ignore my texts but answer my calls. I should’ve just called, and I know it."

Fuck that. This is 2013, I'm not calling to tell you I'm going to be there in five minutes. You get a text, just like everyone else. And if you really start complaining, I'll fax you everything, just out of spite.

I know I'm in the minority, but what actually annoys me is the opposite. Don't try to text your way through an incredibly complicated conversation. I'm not sending 87 texts back and forth when we could have just settled things in a two minute call.

Glamour says: "You leave me wanting more when you kiss me good night. Best/worst walk home ever."

Nope, worst walk home ever. Just the worst.

There, I hoped that help. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, there's honestly a pretty slim chance that there are any ladies who have bookmarked both Glamour and RefinedHype, but I can't read this nonsense without responding. Keep fighting the good fight.

See Also: Sex, Relationships & F**king, A Honest Advice Column: The Virgin x 3Some x Bodily Fluids Edition

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