The Time Mike Tyson Almost Killed Me Posted by Nathan S. on 05/14/10 | Filed under Top Stories, Features, Mike Tyson

A lot of people watched Reese Waters' hilarious "Tea With Tyson" video and laughed over Iron Mike's "Earl Grey sucks, I prefer chamomile" proclamations.



But I had another reaction. "That's exactly what Tyson's like." Yes, I've met a naked Mike Tyson, and to this day it may become the closest I've ever come to death. Let me explain.

People have a lot of misconceptions about L.A. Sure there are a few fake, rich folks running around, but in a city of 14 mllion people Los Angeles is first and foremost a working class town. However, the one stereotype that turns out to be completely true is that you're more likely to run into celebrities, quasi-celebrities and whatever Real World cast members are here than anywhere else in the world.

The bulk of my celebrity sightings happen at my gym, which happens to be right next to the popular celebrity hotel Chateau Marmont (I totally sounded like a d-bag there, didn't I?). Anyway, celebrities staying there often walk across the street to work out, which is apparently exactly what Tyson decided to do.

You know how sometimes you see a celebrity and there's a moment of confusion, a moment of "Wait, is that...?" That didn't happen. As I walked through the gym and saw a tattooed face, attached to a fire hydrant body, there was absolutely no doubt who it was. For the record, Tyson's shorter than you think (my height, about 5'10" or so) and is the thickest human being I've ever seen; the space between his chest and back seems like five feet. My heart rate soared. I've never been so scared of another human being in my life. Why? Because I grew up watching this:



Tyson was extraordinarily calm, doing his sets quietly and without much exertion, but the next 45 minutes evolved into a complex dance around the gym where I tried to appear as normal as possible, while simultaneously ensuring that I didn't come within twenty feet of the man. Was he going to flip out and beat me to death with a medicine ball for no discernable reason? Probably not. But there was a chance, and it was not a chance I was willing to take.

Eventually Tyson disappeared and I breathed a sigh of relief. No celebrity, ever, had affected me so directly. Thinking I was finally in the clear, I headed down to the locker room and discovered, not until it was too late, that my locked was directly next to a freshly showered and completely naked Mike Tyson (cue sound of God laughing). For a moment I honestly considered running, Tyson had put on some weight and I could probably outrun him, but I decided it was safer to grab my bag and leave as quickly as possible. No such luck.

"Hi," said the former most feared man in the planet.
"Um, hi," I responded.
"How are you?" he asked in a shockingly calm voice.
Was this a trick question? Was there an answer that would provoke his rage? I played it safe. "Good, how are you doing?" I asked.
"Wonderful. I want you to be wonderful. Are you wonderful?" Tyson responded.
What...the...fuck was going on. There was clearly only one thing to do. "Oh yeah, I'm completely wonderful!" I exclaimed way too loudly. "Have a nice day, it was good meeting you," I called as I turned and left with one of those "This is as close to running as I can get without actually running" moves.
"You too!" called the still completely nude former heavyweight champion of the world.

I learned a few things that day. One, Mike Tyson is so unnaturally calm and sedated he's probably on a steady diet of Valium and Percoset. Two, when Mike Tyson asks you how you are, always respond "wonderful." And three, Mike Tyson has an enormous penis (oh, like you wouldn't have glanced down too). The truth is always stranger than fiction my friends.