Mark McGwire’s Real Steroid Confession

I know this is a little off the beaten path, but January's a notoriously slow month for new music and Mark McGwire's recent, so-called confession to Bob Costas during an MLB Network interview was such a blatant attempt at hyping his Hall of Fame candidacy that I couldn't help but give it some much needed Refining. So, before we all get completely sick of talking about Big Mac's pill poppin escapades, let's reveal the true story once and for all.

Costas: "Could you have hit 70 HR without steroids?"
McGwire: " Absolutely. I was given this gift by the man upstairs."
The Refined Take: "Absolutely. I was given this gift by the man upstairs. But unfortunately the man upstairs didn't give me the gift of invincibility, or see fit to protect me from injuries, so I decided to enhance God's gift my injecting chemical substances into my buttocks. All praise due."

Costas: But didn't you become stronger?
McGwire: I've always had bat speed. There is not a pill or an injection that is going to give me hand-eye coordination. A pill or an injection will not hit a baseball.
The RefinedTake: "There is not a pill or an injection that is going to give me hand-eye coordination. A pill or an injection will not hit a baseball. but luckily there are a number of pills and injections that ensure that once you hit that baseball you'll hit the living f**k out of it, obscenely padding your home run stats. In other words, yes, they made me a lot Istronger.

Costas: "What drugs did you use?"
McGwire: "The names I don't remember. But I did injectables."
The RefinedTake: "The names I don't remember. But I did injectables...naw, I'm just f**king with you Bob. Of course I remember the names. What do you think I did, called my dealer and told him to just bring over some random stuff and then I'd shoot it into my body. Deca, Winstrol, HGH, Malaysian White Tiger urine, I did it all."

Costas: Did the prospect of drug testing hasten your retirement?
MCGwire; "Oh no. I would have loved drug testing when I played."
The RefinedTake: "Um, f**k yeah. I've been hiding my steroid use from the public for years after I retired, so my worst night was obviously being discovered while I was still playing. Once I retired I thought I could just shut up and it would all go away, but after Canseco's book blew the lid off thing I realized that's obviously not the case, so I figured I had to confess now or it'd be worse once someone nailed me on it in five years."

There, I'm sure McGwire feels much better now that he we got everything out in the open. Hopefully now we can concentrate on more important things, like wagering on if Tim Tebow will cry during the NFL Draft or not.