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The Jay Z vs. Solange Elevator Fight, As Told Through Their LyricsPosted by Nathan S. on 05/12/14 | Filed under Top Stories, Humor, Opinion, Beyonce, Jay Z, Solange
Ah, the interwebs. I woke up this morning thinking that maybe, if the content gods were smiling down upon me, some footage of Yung Berg getting his 57th chain snactched would emerge and I'd be able to crack a couple jokes on Twitter. (I don't have high standards people.) But then....Solangegeddon* happened.
TMZ, who's fresh off getting Donald Sterling ejected from the NBA, came through with security footage of Solanage going all "Kickboxer" on Jay Z in the elevator of the Met Gala, while Beyonce leans back and lets her man give her sister the Heisman stiff arm.
I see three things coming from this video. One, some terrible Photoshop memes. Two, we need to add Solange to our "Rappers You'd Be Scared to Fight" list. And three, "what did Solange and Jay say to each other in that elevator?" instantly becomes the biggest hip-hop conspiracy since Pac's murder. Was Solange just drunk? Did it stem from something that happened that night, or was it the result of a long brewing dispute? Only
God Beyonce knows, but that doesn't mean I can't spend the next two hours constructing what went down in that elevator using only Solange and Hova lyrics.
Solange (stepping into elevator): "You used to be all upon me. Now you just trash talk. Split personlaity, pullin' 360's..."+
Jay Z: "You're blind, baby. Blind to the fact of who you are maybe."+
Solange: "I cannot take much more of you and your silly ways."+
Jay Z: "I know your type, loud as a motorbike. But wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight."+
Jay: "Do not step to me, I'm awkward, I box lefty."+
Solange: "You're too big for your clothes: boys vest. You know I'm out of control: no brakes. Oh, and your birthday party sucked: no cakes."+
By the way, as long as we're here, I have to bring up the second video. If I had watched this last week it would have seemed completely inoocious and boring, but knowing what we know now, it's a treasure trove of intrigue, deception and hilariousness. Let's take a look first.
First, Jay Z really is the hip-hop Obama. Remember when Obama showed up to the White House Correspondents dinner looking like the most relaxed man in the universe, even though he knew at that very minute some Navy Seals were actively busting down Bin Laden's door? Jay's got the same talent. He can be getting roundhouse kicked in the face in an elevator, then 30 seconds later step out in front of 30 paparazzi without a hair out of place.
Second, the 15 second mark of this is now hilarious; watch how he oh-so-subtly fakes like he's getting in the car with Solanage, then pivots left, lets Beyonce get in next, and promptly takes off for his own car. I won't pretend to know what Jay is saying to the bodyguard, but my guess is it's something like, "Yeah, there's no fucking way I'm getting in that car with her. As soon as you shut the door we're going to the SUV."
Good times had by all. Welcome to the only thing the world will be talking about for the next 24 hours. Drake better get that diss track in now before footage of Rihanna's mom slapping the shit out of him at a Bed, Bath & Beyond leaks.
Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!
* Solangegeddon and all related images are trademarked properties of RefinedHype.com.
UPDATE: The full four minute version of the video is now available, but there's not enough Solange songs in the world for me to (imaginary) lyric-transcribe the entire fight, so I'm sticking with what I got.
[Nathan S. is the managing editor of The DJBooth, the proprietor of RefinedHype, and a hip-hop writer. He also occasionally talks in podcast form and appears on RevoltTV. His beard is awesome. This is his Twitter.]
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