Nathan S. 's avatar

F**king Relax, This Andre 3000 Album Definitely Isn’t Dropping

Posted by Nathan S. on 08/05/13 | Filed under Opinion, Andre 3000
I know, I know, we're all very excited about the prospect of an Andre 3000 album actually dropping after BET exec, Stephen Hill, tweeted that he ran into 3 Stacks and one of the greatest rappers to ever touch a mic told him that one of the most anticipated albums in rap history is finally on the way, and relatively soon.

It's all very exciting news. AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! But allow me my rebuttal....

I hate to state the obvious, but judging by the amount of people who are now excited about an Andre 3K album coming, allow me to restate the obvious. One, Andre has never released a solo album (Ever? Forever ever? Forever ever) and it'd been A DECADE since his last Outkast album (I'm ignoring "Idlewild').

In the meantime, he's done a lot of random guest verses, refused to appear in videos for those guest verses, done a Gillette commercial, a few movies, gone on record saying he hates the trappings of fame and actually apologized to Big Boi for being such a musical hermit. But yeah, one studio pic and that one thing he said in passing to that one guy who tweeted it completely outweighs all of that. His album is definitely dropping in 2014.

And EVEN IF the album, by some miraculous working of the cosmos, does drop in 2014, am I the only one with a calendar? It's currently 2013, and he didn't say "January of 2014", he said "top of the year". Who knows what "top of the year" means to that man. Let's say it actually does drop in....March, 2014. That's 7 months from now. Do you know how much can happen in 7 months? Earth might be destroyed by a comet Andre might have a spiritual awakening, convert to Buddhism and move to Nepal (which, honestly, sounds like something that could totally happen).

Listen, I'm sorry to rain of your proverbial parade, but really, I'm doing this for all of us. Andre's got us all friend-zoned. He's like this super hot chick that calls late at night and asks if we want to come over. We think this will finally be the time we hook up with her, so we go, then she just ends up complaining about her boyfriend and drinking chardonnay until 2 in the morning. A month later she calls again, and we know we're not going to get any...but fuck, she's so hot, maybe, just maybe this will be the time it actually happens. I think we all know how the story turns out*. If we're going to maintain our rap sanity, we need to ignore Andre until that album's actually in our headphones.

And for the record, I don't think Andre's necessarily lying or fucking with us on purpose. He might genuinely want to drop an album, but there's a world of difference between wanting to do something, knowing you should do something, and actually doing it. The same way I say to my wife, "You know what, I'm finally going to open up that IRA, I really need to," and then I totally never fucking do? That's the same way Andre says, "I got a solo album coming top of the year."

So please, for your own good, I'm begging you. Forget this "album announcement" ever happened. Really, it's for the best.

P.S. - What are the most anticipated albums that are definitely never fucking dropping, in order? Number one, I'd say "Detox". Number two, Andre 3000's album. Number three, Jay Electronica's album. Number eleventy million, Bow Wow's "Underrated". )

* Pause or no homo me if you want, but if you think that's not the perfect analogy, you're in denial about getting friend-zoned by a rapper.

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See Also:  F**king Really Andre 3000? A Gillette Commercial? F**king Really Though?
See Also:  Dope or Not? Andre 3000 Joins Capital Cities for “Farrah Fawcett Hair”

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