A Non-Black Person’s Guide to Using the N–Word

Disclaimer: This is a joke. I do not condone the use of any racial slurs besides nigger, kike, wetback, cracker, chink, etc. In other words, it’s all relative. So don't argue with me. Why? Because you need time to get to the hospital to get that stick out of your ass.

So, you want to use the N-Word without the rain of hate from over a thousand angry black faces right? Well since I, Jacques Morel, is the perfect transition (I consider myself a generous mix of White, Hispanic, and African American cultures, Asian is in progress) I am going to kick you a few guidelines.

Now this word is sacred. Once used as slang for derogatory purposes, it has now become common place in society for a way to refer a friend, enemy, girl that you fuck but your cool with her so she’s your friend, or just a random person. Here are a few steps to look guide you.

I. SITUATION: Remember, you’re not trying to be called a racist here. You are trying to easily meld in with your surroundings. If you are the only non-black in the room, I suggest that you do not say it. Why? Because you might get your ass beat, or you maybe you won’t. It’s a toss up. Like drunk sex. It’s either really good…or really really bad. It's up to you to decide whether you want to take the chance.

II. CONTEXT: In what sense are you going to say the N-Word? Because there is a huge difference between “You’re my nigga right?” and “You’re a nigga right?”

III. MUSIC: Now we all know one of the most prominent times non-blacks use the N-Word is when they are singing along to rap songs. So, when are you cool to say the N Word…In a rap song? Remember, follow the above rules when choosing to bleep out the word or not. Some small things to remember here
a. If Eminem is featured anywhere on the song…it’s cool you can say it.
b. If it is a Jay-Z lyric you can say it too. Why? White people like Jay now. Say watup to Tata…
c. If it is a Lil Wayne lyric (Pre-2007) then you CANNOT say the N Word. Bleep that shit out. If it is post-2007, then you’re good. So, for you non-real hip-hop listener, all Lil Wayne songs are cool.
d. If it’s Nas, you can only say it if he is not saying some uplifting ass shit. Also, if it is a mellow track your cool. If it’s nasty Nas, don’t even bother.

IV. ANGER: If you are angry…I’d refrain from saying it. Why? Because then you are going to sound like a racist…even if you aren’t. Don’t believe me? Read this in an angry tone, “Nigga”.
a. You racist.

V. GREETING: Try not to be the first person in a conversation with a black man to drop the N-Word. Why? It is standoffish and probably will offend us. Wait until they repeat the word three times before saying it. If they feel uncomfortable, wait another three times before saying it.

Remember, just follow these guidelines and you’ll be saying “nigga” just like the rest of us.

Thanks!
Jacques.

(Editor's Note: For another take on the N-Word's place in hip-hop, check out Mike Dream's recent article here.)