Breaking Down the 2011 BET Awards…Awards

(Wait, is that? No, it couldn't be. Well I'll be damned, that is MC Hammer sitting directly behind Rick Ross.)

First and foremost, criticizing BET for its award selection is like criticizing a dog for peeing on the carpet. Sure it smells bad and you wish it hadn't of happened, but in the end you're dealing with a creature that's so dumb it would eat out of a garbage can. But, much like a young puppy, their antics can be entertaining so let's give a quick breakdown of the BET Awards awards a go, shall we?

Best Female R&B Artist
Winner: Rihanna
Jennifer Hudson
Beyoncé
Marsha Ambrosius
Keri Hilson

The lesson, as always? If you're a female R&B singer and you want to win a BET award focus less on being able to actually sing and more on making out with Britney Spears while wearing latex.

Best Male R&B Artist
Winner: Chris Brown
Cee-Lo Green
Bruno Mars
Trey Songz
Usher

The lesson, as always? If you're a male R&B singer and you want to win a BET award focus less on being able to actually sing and more on beating your girlfriend, crying about Michael Jackson, taking dong shots, getting into beef with Odd Future, trashing a Good Morning America dressing room and having good abs.

Best Group
Winner: Diddy Dirty Money
Cali Swag District
N.E.R.D.
New Boyz
Travis Porter

I'd say it's ridiculous that Diddy Money won best group, but their competition was Cali Swag, New Boyz and Travis Porter. I haven't seen such uneven teams since the Dream Team played China.

Best Female Hip Hop Artist
Winner: Nicki Minaj
Diamond
Cymphonique
Lola Monroe

Jean Grae just light herself on fire in protest.

Best Male Hip Hop Artist
Winner: Kanye West
B.o.B
Drake
Lil Wayne
Rick Ross

In a surprising move, Kanye snatched the award out of his own hand and gave it to Beyonce. Actually, this is one of the few awards I don't have any problem with. I'd say "how could you screw this one up?" but BET would have found a way.

Best Collaboration
Winner: Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes, "Look At Me Now"
B.o.B ft. Haley Williams of Paramore, "Airplanes"
Kanye West ft. Rihanna, "All of the Lights"
Chris Brown ft. Tyga & Kevin McCall, "Deuces"
Waka Flocka Flame ft. Roscoe Dash & Wale, "No Hands"
Rihanna ft. Drake, "What's My Name"

Can someone explain to me why so many people love "Look At Me Now"? It's catchy, but it's a dope Busta verse sandwiched in between mediocre at best rhymes from Brown and Wayne. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Best New Artist
Winner: Wiz Khalifa
J. Cole
Bruno Mars
Miguel
Willow Smith

How the hell did Willow Smith make it on here? Has she even released an album? Whatever, I'm fine with this. Wiz definitely had the most impact of any new artist over the last year.

YoungStars Award - TIE
Winner: Jaden Smith
Winner: Willow Smith
Shenell Edmonds
Keke Palmer
Diggy Simmons

BET: "Do you want a straight BJ, or should we massage your balls at the same time too?"
Will Smith: "Oh no, you get down there and work the balls. Now."

Best Gospel
Winner: Mary Mary
Byron Cage
Deitrick Haddon
Karen Clark Sheard
BeBe & CeCe Winans

I know absolutely nothing about gospel. Congrats to Mary Mary.

Centric Award
Winner: Marsha Ambrosius
Eric Benét
Cee-Lo Green
R. Kelly
Kem

What the fuck is a Centric award, and who's Kem?

Viewers' Choice Award:
Winner: Chris Brown "Look at Me Now" *Not actual winner, unless he is, but maybe he isn't.

Yep, that was exactly as much fun as I thought it would be. I can't wait until next year when Chris Brown wins Humanitarian of the Yea, Best Sportsman and, of course, the highly coveted Centric award, whatever that is.

See Also: The Good, The Bad & Rick Ross’ Man Boobs (BET Awards 2011 Video Highlights)