Nathan S. 's avatar

Another Year, Another Terrible 100 Hottest Women List from Maxim

Posted by Nathan S. on 05/10/13 | Filed under Girls, Fails
(Maxim doesn't think this is one of the 100 sexiest women alive.)

Here's what Maxim had to say about their latest "100 Hottest Women" list: "...we can say with absolute certainty that before you lies the definitive list of the world's sexiest women."

Interesting, but I would have worded things slightly differently. I think I would have gone with something closer to, "Here's an assortment of 100 women, most of whom are skinny and white, some of whom you would actively avoid having sex with, and all of whom demonstrate that this list is complete bullshit."

Yeah, that sounds a little bit closer to the truth. Let's just start with their top ten:

10. Elisha Cuthbert
9. Vanessa Hudgens
8. Kate Upton
7. Ashley Tisdale
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt
5. Jennifer Lawrence
4. Mila Kunis
3. Rihanna
2. Selena Gomez
1. Miley Cyrus

As always, we're defining"sexiest" as "woman you would most like to have sexual intercourse with" because, you know, that's what the word fucking means. Now let's pretend for a moment that God descends from the heavens and says you can have sex once with any literally one woman in the world. (Don't question God, he works in mysterious ways.) Who the fuck is going with Miley Cyrus as their top pick? Really? Because she did some twerking in an animal costume, suddenly she's the sexiest woman alive? You can get all the way the fuck out of here Maxim.

And forget Miley, that whole top ten is a disaster. Kate Upton is a great call, Rihanna maybe, if you factor in wanting to see what all the fuss is about, but beyond that? I don't even know who the fuck Ashley Tisdale is*. And it only gets worse from there. At #19, Emma Watson. At #50, Lake Bell. At #79, Hoda Kotb. I could go on for days.

Remember, this isn't the 100 Women It Might Be Cool To Have As Your Girlfriend, this is the 100 Women You'd Most Like To Put Your Penis Inside. Now, I'm willing to allow for some subjectivity - maybe you prefer brunettes over blonds, maybe you're more of an ass than a boobs man, etc., - but frankly, if half of these people are in your top 100, I don't have any respect for you as a man.

So who would I have in my top 100? I really went in-depth last year, and frankly my list hasn't changed much. Any list doesn't doesn't include this woman at all IS AN ABSOLUTE TRAVASHAMOCKERY, and of course you'd need her, and her, and her. Basically, I'd take any MBOW alumni over 90% of this list, which means Maxim isn't just wrong, it's horribly, staggeringly wrong.

I seriously doubt Maxim's going to get it's shit together for next year, so considering this is now the second year in a row I've been forced to yell at them, it looks like we'll just have to make this an annual event. Unfortunately, considering I haven't bought a Maxim in about 15 years, a boycott's just not going to do much.

So let's all reconvene next year; sound like a plan? Good, I'm looking forward to it. In the meantime, enjoy...

* I Googled her, not even fucking close.

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